Work areas :
It's the same old pattern that my parents taught me, but has never worked for me at Twin Oaks before: show people how good you are at taking on mucho work and responsibility and they'll love you for it.
Social Scene (short answer): You're still not loving me for it. (long form): It's very hard for me to let go of my anger and depression about not having a lover here (even though I know this is the worst response). It fuels my despair about feeling that I'm 'falling through the cracks', when I know that "no, I do have a precious jewel that I am bringing to the communal table". My fear of disposability is also driven by seeing how people do not accumulate power here outside of their social (and this means mostly current lover) relationships. I've seen how people who have clearly done more than their share don't seem to have that taken into account when they ask for special treatment or consideration.
Most people here seem to value above all whether you are "pleasant". This scares me, because being "pleasant" is not one of my 'strengths'. I know it is in my best interest to project that nearly everything is "fine". I know that's the "nice" thing to do. But the nicest people in my experience have turned out to be the meanest. I think this is because nice people generally will not acknowledge the way things really are – that the world is not fair and that life is full of hard choices. Nice people create expectations that they just can't keep. Inevitably, you are left in the lurch by them, and they resent you because you threaten their concept of themselves as "nice".
I was on a trip with a bunch of Twin Oakers. Our van went past a logger's clear-cut. Everybody except me said "What a terrible sight. I'm glad we don't have anything to do with that." I piped up and said "Where do you think our stretchers come from?". In the resulting silence I was told by the person most important to me at the time that I had a "crummy attitude".
Yes, there was a better time and place for my comment. What keeps me from being pleasant is knowing that we affect each other much more indirectly than we do directly.
Money: One month in the allowance hole because I bought a used notebook computer over web. But don't worry, I'm only have to win big at Poker for the next ten Saturday nights to set things right.
Future & Paradigm: I still don't know where I'll be in another six months. Unless I find/make a better work and social niche for myself here, I can't see remaining here for very much longer. It's just too frustrating and misleading.
I still see inherent faults in the Twin Oaks system - lack of accountability and incentives. Twin Oaks has done better than other communes of its ilk because of its relative practicality, but we still live way too much in the realm of idealism (possibilities as opposed to probabilities) and looking to individuals rather than systems. As many of you know, I see engineering systems as the way to positive world and individual change, rather than depending on individuals to "do the right thing". Individuals are not going to do the right thing unless they see it in their best interest to do so. This is what I thought community was all about - not depending on will power, but engineering systems to make the path of least resistance analogous to our long-term goals and values.
Progress: I think the St. John's Wort that I've been taking for eight months now has taken the edge off of my anger and depression, but I still go there regularly and do what I can to keep it from overwhelming me. To that end I run; Do structured therapy/social groups; Make lists to keep better track of tasks, priorities, resources, and opportunities; And I recall centering thoughts (Here come some now . . . .)
Various Quotes . . . see power/quotes
To me a similar scenario would be this: I am a woman who figures out long ago (the 18th century?) that women should have equal rights to men. Because it's long before anyone even knows what a feminist is, not only do people not understand me, they see me primarily as a lone 'troublemaker'. The more tolerant ones reach out to me somewhat (which I appreciate), but they ultimately end up being frustrated with me when they see that I am not going to 'compromise' on my beliefs. Occasionally, my hopes go up when I engage a fellow woman who also seems to recognize that 'there's something wrong with this picture'. But I ultimately end up being frustrated with her when I realize that she is not going to give up being 'comfortable'. That is, she's not going to join me in rocking the boat in telling the people that women DESERVE better treatment, and she probably doesn't see to begin with why it is in society's best long-term interests to take this stance.
In my heart of hearts, it comes down to this: You are happier than I am, and you don't DESERVE to be. OR: Why isn't the precious jewel that I bring to the table valued more than it is?
Ultimately, I know that DESERVE has little to do with the way of things. If I could speak to that 18th century feminist, I would advise her to conform. You may be right, but you are so far ahead of your time, that you will only live the suffering of an extreme outsider. You may be serving humanity, but because they will never see it in your lifetime, you are not serving yourself.
But she cannot help but be who she is. And neither can I.
"The reasonable people adapt themselves to the world;
the unreasonable people persist in trying to adapt the
world to
themselves.
Therefore all progress depends on unreasonable people.
G.B. Shaw
You can best help me by communicating what I can expect from you as a person and as representing the community. I said in my feedback that "sometimes I think that the way things are done on the outside is a more honest relationship. When you work a job, you know what to expect. Your boss may not be interested in getting to know you as a 'human being', but that was not part of the contract."
What is my contract with you? People often find out the hard way here that Twin Oaks is not what they thought it was. People often find out the hard way here that personal relationships are not what they thought they were. Yes, if you got on board a plane that you knew was going to Cleveland, it doesn't make sense to complain in the middle of the flight about going to Cleveland. But where are you/we going? Can anyone tell me? Maybe you're/we're going to Cleveland.