I have been asked by the membership team to write this paper to the community. I used my truck in late January to bring back a community canoe that Jackie and I had used to paddle down to (the bridge by) Acorn. A few people saw me when I unloaded the canoe at the end of our main driveway (to carry down to the river). This resulted in at least two people contacting the planners who responded that they would deal with the matter.

Nairn acted for the planners by asking me what happened, and asked me not to do it again. I agreed and apologized for putting Nairn in this position. Nairn told me that he didn't know if the people who had brought the issue up with the planners would be satisfied.

A week later I found out from Nairn that they were not, and that they had gone to the membership team.

Why I did it.
1) My truck needs to be driven at least a few miles each month to maintain it. Why not combine that with making the trip useful?
2) I can't drive community vehicles because Inge requires a Virginia driver's license. When I first returned in January of 1997 as a resident, I asked Inge to make an exception for me. She refused even though she knew I was a responsible driver (we used to be on the auto crew together when I was a member before, and I told her that I have a clean driving record). I haven't been willing to give up my out of state driver's license to get a Virginia license because I rarely need to use a vehicle, and because I have been living here in short-term mental chunks (two months or less).

Why I'm sorry.
1) It has taken up the time of the planners and the membership team.
2) It has caused me emotional turmoil.
3) It was not a constructive process.

Why I'm not sorry.
1) If no one had found out or cared, my act would have cost the community nothing. If someone blows off their work shift, or doesn't do it well, this always costs the community. Why don't we question whether someone is fit to live with when they blow off their k-shift, or consistently perform a job with minimal and inefficient effort and concern? To me, it is a much greater offense to consistently put kitchen utensils back in the wrong place. As a cook, I feel abused by other people's lack of caring.
2) I'm tired of being harassed.
I felt harassed that I couldn't become a member two years ago and keep the real value of my savings the same. These were savings that I earned from working very hard when I owned the tofu business. When I needed $10K to buy the business, I approached the planners for a loan offering as collateral the business and my reputation of working hard and smart at Twin Oaks for four years. The planners loaned me 5% of what I was asking (which I paid back within a few months). For the community now to profit at my expense off my work and my risk feels exploitive.
I felt harassed when six people confidentially rejected me for membership in August, didn't come to my mandatory feedback, and when only one of them responded to my mandatory follow-up paper asking for communication (and she did not want to discuss our differences). My view is that if you're going to bring someone's membership into question (especially if they're a current or returning member), you should take responsibility for that by identifying yourself and make yourself available for safe dialogue. Instead what I got was people telling the membership team that I'm "significantly mentally ill" and "don't take feedback well". Yes, I don't take feedback well when I'm judged guilty without even knowing who's judging me.
3) It was a test of the community's trust and appreciation of me. I wanted my six plus years of living at Twin Oaks to be valued. I wanted people to think, "Jesse has given much to the community; this minor infraction can be viewed in that context.". It puzzles me that people who think that I am "chipping away at the foundation of the community" can overlook what I have done for Twin Oaks. For example, you would not have the tofu business if it weren't for me. Sometimes I feel like a fool when I remember that I sold it to Twin Oaks at cost, when I had two other buyers who "had to have it".

Inge may bring up how she confronted me during the Fall when she saw me moving supplies from EC to the tofu hut with my truck. She demanded then that I not do this again even though I was combining driving my truck for monthly maintenance with doing community work. I agreed because I didn't see this as an issue worth pursuing with Inge. I was saving the planet and the community resources, and she had different priorities. I was only planning on using the truck once or twice more (for EC runs), and given Inge was promising to make a community issue of it (go to the Planners), it was simpler to find some other way to do my job.